Beautiful on the Outside

Blond woman and dark haired man laughing at a wedding reception

Can I tell you a secret?

We were not happy in this photo.

Well, we were laughing. The laughing is not fake, but we were not happy. Almost every minute of that day before and after this photo I was wracked with anxiety, trying to decide if I was going to leave my marriage or if I was going to stay.

It wasn’t just a bad day. It was years. I was nearly a decade.

My loves, marriage is hard, for everyone.

There are some who appear that they stumbled upon some just-add-saliva-instant-and-lasting-love-mix. I assure you, those who act like they marriage is perfect are lying.

Okay, maybe there is one couple on planet earth who has a perfect marriage. That’s great. I send a thumbs up and a fart in their general direction.

But, for the other several billion of us, there is nothing wrong with you if it sometimes feels hard, and sad, and nearly impossible.

I’m so grateful so many of us have stopped faking it, have realized there is no shame in having doubts, having fears, in going through period where you cannot stand the person who is supposed to be your one and only.

In my DM’s and texts right now there are six different conversations where friends are looking for a listening ear so they can determine their feelings and needs in regard to their partners.

May each of you have at least one person you can dump your story on when you need to unload. And if you don’t, know you can always dump your story on me. It would be my honor to hold it for you so you can rest.

3 thoughts on “Beautiful on the Outside

  1. Courtney Davis says:

    I found you on TikTok and immediately thought we may be the same person! I am recovering from a nearly lifelong ED and sometimes wonder if I’ll ever beat this. It’s become such a part of who I am. I am also currently rebuilding (although, I like your word “renegotiating” better)a 15 year marriage after not one, but two affairs. My affairs, not his. The first was nice years ago and the second one we are dealing with now. It’s been a year and a half since the “crisis” and we’ve been in weekly therapy for a year now. However, I did therapy alone for many many weeks before my husband decided to stay and work on things. Unfortunately, so much damage has been done. Many people in our lives wonder what the heck there is to salvage but I am convinced this is worth saving. We are doing our best to start from scratch and not to continue the broken way we started. We have without a doubt done marriage completely wrong for 15 years…it’s effing hard to reprogram that. But, we are trying. Lots of therapy has taught me so much about myself and I have done so much hard work personally to find out what the real problem is. Now that my husband is desperate to stay together, I am finding it harder and harder to believe we’ll ever be what each other needs. Role reversal at it’s finest considering how much begging I was doing a year ago.

    Your last TikTok about writing love letters to yourself has intrigued me so much. That could be so healing for me but I don’t even known where to begin! I came to your site looking for your book but see that it hasn’t been released. I am very excited to read your story, I feel sure it will bring me some hope.

    It has been rather therapeutic to write this to you. I hope this finds you well that you are encouraged by knowing your story is helping someone else!!! Much love to you.

    • Claudia says:

      Courtney, not sure if you’ll even get this reply, but your comment on Ashleigh’s post described my EXACT situation. I truly could have written this. Just wanted to say it’s so nice to know I’m not alone. Thanks for your story and vulnerability!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *