If I were to start a support group for semi-compulsive over-doers I think every woman I know would qualify for inclusion.
For years I have tried to cram as much as possible into every single day. I come from a long line of over-doing under-relaxers and I have a long history of hustling. Paying job at 11, straight A’s, moved out at 17, to a new country at 21, started my business at 23.
Then I became homebirthing, homeschooling, DIY’ing, ec’ing (Google it if you think cloth diapers are a commitment) mom, and my toddlers grew their own vegetables.
And good things came of all the work, to be certain, but underneath overdoing and perfectionism is a current of fear, a compulsion to try to outrun the doubt.
If I just do it perfectly, if I just do it all, maybe, just maybe I will be above criticism. Maybe, just maybe, I will achieve and checklist and organize my way out of the territory of self-doubt.
But, doubt is not rational. It doesn’t say, “Well, honey, I remember all the times you did it right and all the times you really did nail it. I am certain this time is going to be great. And you’re good enough. You are so loved. And, wow, you’re pretty. And, have I mentioned that you are like the funniest person I know?”
Um, never. Doubt doesn’t talk like that. Doubt doesn’t back off after you’ve shown enough competence here at Earth School. It hassles you the most when you are trying to beat it.
I am done hustling to outrun doubt.
My dreams are bigger than ever, but now a day well spent is a day well lived. Did I take care of myself? Did I have at least a little fun with my kids? Did I check into my meditation space (twice a day) more often that I checked my email (once a day)? I am working smarter, not harder. And having more fun. And bringing more joy to the people around me. And redefining success. And learning to live life on my own terms.